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79 images

79 images

Soul-mating in cyberspace

This is the moment. You’ve tweaked your profile till it sings, uploaded your most flattering photos, and scrutinized a squillion other posted hopefuls in your search for The One—or at least for some fun. You’ve had some responses and sent some yourself, and maybe that little frisson of thrilling possibility you felt with the first few hasn’t tickled your fancy lately. Maybe you’ve wondered whether this online dating thing can work for you at all.

Then it happens. Somebody out there connects with your computer, and you feel that hopeful prickle: this is more like it! Then you wonder: now what? Is it possible to build a real-life relationship in cyberspace?

Yes, of course. And no. At least, not entirely.

The truth is,

Same ways you’ve always been able to make good friends, find dates, and develop relationships. Same ways to mess it up. And some fantastic tools to help you get it right and make it better than ever.

Now, this is not the same thing as being separated from someone you know well: a boyfriend or girlfriend, a long-time lover, a husband or wife. You two have already shared experiences, situations, pleasures, and pains—you have a history to remember and build on. This new person is uncharted territory.

The first, HUMONGOUS difference

The second difference (and this one’s ginormous) is one that’s often cited as a negative aspect of online dating: reliance on photos for first impressions. This is supposed to amplify to absurdity the importance of (ta-da!) Looks. Let me ask you: When was the last time you scanned a club or a singles bar, elbowed your buddy in the ribs, and said “Wow! Look at that one! So . . . so average! I gotta get some of that!”

Not exactly natural, that. Nature programed us to seek mates that look like they’ll produce physically superior offspring. Luckily, nature also gave most of us brains enough to realize that Looks can be deceiving—in real life and, especially, in cyberlife.

In fact, misrepresentation seems particularly easy on the Internet, and predators abound. Right? Sure; but don’t forget—behind every cybercreep, there’s a living, breathing body somewhere. Deceit online is tied directly to deceit offline. And online, at least, you have several layers of protection available. You’re still behind that window. You can draw the drapes whenever you want. But if you try, you can also get to know people well, and even intimately.

Use ALL the tools.

Of course, you simply can’t be a sociable single, let alone a serious mate-seeker, without the ubiquitous telephone. But your computer is even better. If you have cable access, you may be able to get a digital phone line that allows unlimited long distance calling for a very low monthly fee. Better yet, voice-over-Internet protocol (VoIP) lets you to talk with people via your Internet connection—even dial-up—virtually anywhere in the world. As long as you both have computers and install the same VoIP software, you can be on opposite sides of the planet and talk all night, for free.

If you and your date both have webcams, you can add live, real-time visuals to instant-message chats or conversations. Hey, it’s almost like being there! Yahoo Messenger, AOL Instant Messenger (AIM), MSN Messenger, and Skype all offer video capability. (You probably need to have Windows XP or Apple iChat AV version 2.1 or later for this to work.)

Online dating lets you

Now you must flesh out your relationship. In the end, you’ll never really know someone until you’ve seen them stub a toe, spill a drink, get cut off in traffic, or deal with a crying child or naughty puppy. You’ll want to know how this potential partner treats you when you have a splitting headache or you burn the toast. Not to mention truly essential stuff—the kind of thing that can drive you crazy—like toothpaste-cap handling and blanket hogging . . .

But you have an advantage. You’ve already met, talked, traded jokes, learned whether you both hate beets or love tango. Maybe you’ve argued politics or confessed a secret desire to join Cirque du Soleil. And you’ve discovered that you really like each other, enough to make plans.

You’re ready to climb through that window.

Relax, take your time, and get to know your date without the anxiety, self-consciousness, and noise of the singles-bar-and-club scene. Once you’ve discovered that you truly like this other soul, that communicating with each other makes you both feel good, you’ll want to get together in real space. (Of course, you’ll observe all the proper precautions: meet in a public place, make certain that friends and family know your itinerary, and so on.)

Letter writing may seem old-fashioned, but what do you think e-mail is? Snail mail is slower, but it’s tactile, sensual, physical. It can be held, reread, smelled, slept with . . . kept in a special place. It can carry photos, pressed flowers, locks of hair. E-mail is more spontaneous, easier to do, and it may have spell check. It can carry .gifs and jpgs and .wavs, oh my! And it doesn’t need a stamp. is—unless you happen to live in the same city or are rich (or crazy) enough to hop a jet for a first date—there’s no pressure to have sex before you’re ready. No pressure to perform. No anxiety about measuring up. No need to say no, or yes, or to regret it either way.

This computer you’re staring at is a window. Through it, you can see people on the other side of the world as though they were no farther away than your own backyard. You can talk all you want, swap stories and recipes, share photos and favorite music, lend books and borrow tools. You can collaborate with coworkers thousands of miles away, you can volunteer for charitable projects with other caring souls, and you can explore your hobbies and interests with people who share your passions.
(Roxie Sockham)

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